When Bad Things Happen

In light of the shootings today at the Empire State Building, I thought I'd take a moment and discuss how we deal with bad things.  It seems that more and more awful things are happening in our country - shootings, death, abuse.  It seems quite distant from us sometimes, but the reality is that things like this can happen anytime, anywhere.  How are we to cope with it all?

I was watching a portion of a video blog about today's shooting in NYC and, at least for that segment, the focus seemed to be on why no one is talking about gun control.  I only saw a portion of their discussion, but that seemed a bit nonsensical to me.  Gun control laws are not going to fix the problem (sorry, not trying to get on a political soap box here).  I think focus should be on why these things happen in the first place.  As I'm writing this, the story is focused on apparently there was some sort of dispute between the shooter and a coworker.  The reality here that applies to a much bigger picture is that many people are stressed, we have trouble focusing on the positives in our lives and the world, and gratitude in general seems to be low.  That's not to say these are the only issues factored into bad things happening, but just my take on the state of situation. (Now stepping down off my box!)

When bad things happen in our county, state, neighborhood, or home we are faced with emotional challenges.  Our brain generally operates through a sort of filter - using past experiences to guide us on how to deal with new ones.  But if we don't have a similar past experience, sometimes we struggle (sometimes we struggle anyway!).  So here I've listed just a few of my suggestions for dealing with bad things:

• Spend time with positive friends/family
• Turn the news off - rehashing it on every TV channel isn't helping fix the hurt, fear, etc
• Take a walk - research has shown that exercise can help improve your mood
• Use your normal healthy coping skills
• Stay away from drugs and alcohol
• Talk to a friend, family member, teacher, pastor, counselor, etc
• Seek professional help if negative feelings don't' go away on their own

These suggestions sound simple (and they are) but in a time of emotional distress, they are sometimes hard to remember.  There are of course many more healthy things you can do, but these are just a few of the simplest and easiest (for me anyway) to remember.

How do you cope with bad things?

Behavior Modification - What is that?

Behavior

Modification

Series

Teaching positive behavior

I want to introduce a new series - the behavior modification series - in which I will explain and guide you through developing and using a behavior modification plan.  I will say this particular series is intended for therapists, but may also be utilized by teachers or similar profession where establishing healthy behaviors is important for success.  Individuals are encouraged to use the information in these posts only in conjunction with guidance and support from your therapist/doctor (see disclaimer below).  

So, what exactly is behavior modification.  Simply put, this is a set of strategies used to monitor and change a person's behaviors by developing healthier behaviors.  For example, a person who wants to lose weight could use behavior modification steps to decrease eating and increase exercise.  A teacher could use behavior modification in a classroom to get students to stay in their seats and focus on school work.  

There are a number of specific techniques that are applied in behavior modification.  The overall goal remains the same however: use healthy behaviors in place of unhealthy ones.  One thing that helps behavior modification work more effectively is to have the person's willingness to change, however, that is not a requirement.

Now I don't mean to say that we go around making people change their behavior against their will, but let's think of it in the context of something.  A toddler wants a cookie before dinner.  Mom says no.  Toddler cries and whimpers a bit, but Mom still says no.  So, toddler, insistent on getting that cookie, cries harder, stomps his feet, maybe even lays on the floor in an all out temper tantrum.  Mom gives in just to get him off the floor.  Same thing happens the next day and the next - only this time, Mom gives in before we get to temper tantrum stage so she doesn't have to go through that again.  The toddler has been using behavior modification strategies (yes, I realize, he doesn't know that - but that's just what it is).  The child introduced a stimulus (we will talk about this as we go) to get what he wanted and Mom gave it to him.  The child learned that if I cry hard enough and long enough, she'll give my my cookie.  

This could be reversed also if Mom decided she is not going to give in any longer and let's him cry regardless - he will eventually learn that he can not have the cookie.  

So, that is a very plain, simple version of what behavior modification is.  The techniques are relatively simple, though they are involved.  As we go through this series, we will discuss the various elements of behavior modification.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

Many times, we have so much going on in our lives that we start to feel weighed down and don't know how we'll catch up.  Do you feel that way?  Most of us do at some point.  Some people seem to have a knack for dealing with the pressure; others struggle.

What do you get overwhelmed by?  Too much housework?  Behind on paperwork at your job?  Bills behind?  Here, I've outlined some general suggestions for managing your negative feelings while getting things done.

• Get started!  That is the first step that will make any of these other suggestions work.  The stuff that is piled up is not going to get done by stressing, worrying, or hiding under the covers.  
• Break large tasks into smaller ones.  For instance, if you have a lot of housework to do, break the tasks up.  Clean for 10 or 15 minute spurts, then rest for a few minutes, clean again.  I tell people: if you only wash one dish every hour, if a little while, you'll get them all done.
• Stay away from multitasking - if you are focused on too many things at one time, you will start to feel overwhelmed more easily.  
• Get some help.  This is perhaps the most difficult for people to accept.  The reality is that we all need help from time to time.  Someone else may have better skills in a particular area - get their help with it (and don't forget to say thank you!)
• Prioritize.  That big stack of paperwork on your desk probably doesn't all need to be done at one time.  Sort through things and make a list of the most important and do those first.
• Work at the time of day that you feel your best.  If you are a morning person and generally feel your best at that time, get up and get started on these things.  Or maybe you prefer the evening time (just don't vacuum when everyone else is asleep!)
• Rest when you need to.  No matter what you're doing, you are going to get tired at some point.  Take a rest every now and then, a few minutes at a time, then get back to work.

The important thing to remember is that as long as you are working toward getting that task done, the task will get done eventually.  Once you have it done, put your focus on keeping it caught up.

How do you deal with feeling overwhelmed?

The Truth About Goals...

 "If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up somewhere else."  - Lewis Carroll

It sounds so simple, yet almost everyone gets lost in their journey to recovery.  That is why goals (and revision of goals) is so important.  Think of your mental health or substance abuse recovery as a road map.  I first have to set a destination in order to know when I've got there.  Then I need to plan the best route for me.  If I start out in Atlanta and plan to end up somewhere in Montana, heading toward Maine makes little sense.

Yet if we look at setbacks in our lives, we can see that most of those times, it is due to know knowing where we are heading and/or how we'll get there.  Mental Health and Substance Abuse recovery are no different.  Are you depressed? A goal such as "I don't want to be depressed anymore" may or may not be the best goal for you.  The truth is, we all get depressed from time to time.  A better goal might be that "I want to get out of bed and take a shower every day".  Even though it sounds minor to some, ask a person who has been severely depressed for a while and just how big of a chore that actually is!

The next step is to then plan a course of action to be able to get out of bed and take that shower.  Maybe a behavior checklist. Maybe an accountability partner.  Maybe external motivators.  Anything that works will work!

If you find yourself getting off track with your treatment and recovery, take a look at your "Recovery Road Map".  You may need to revamp your goals and/or the direction you're going to reach those goals.

How do you stay on track with your goals?

From I Can't to I Can

In my group room, I have a cutout of a headstone with the word "Can't" on it.  This is to symbolize that the word "can't" is no longer available for us to use.  The word "can't" implies that you lack the ability to do something, when most of the time, it is the ambition or motivation or desire to do something.  I encourage people to say "I don't want to" over "I can't" (or better yet, switch to "I can"!)

There are many reasons we use "can't": fear, mood changes, anxiety, lack of knowledge or understanding, and so on.  We have to address these issues if we want to make a switch to "I can".  That's not easy to do sometimes.

Let's use an example: say I want to open a new business but have no experience in this area.  Fear can easily take over: What if I fail? How will I pay the bills? Will anyone use my business? It is much easier to switch to "I can't" because then I don't have to risk these things happening; I don't have the ability to start that business if "I can't".  But let's say I recognize that fear is holding me back.  What should I do to deal with that fear?  I could talk to others who have done this before. I can plan a little longer. I can take some new courses at the local college or trade school.  Then when I have more information and understanding about running my business, my excuse is no longer "I can't" but either I can go forth or decide that I don't want to.

The key is to address the problems that are underlying what you are thinking about - the fear, uncertainty, motivation, etc.

What have you been telling yourself you can't do?  How can you change it?

Focus on Positives

I've been thinking a lot about positive vs. negative attitudes.  I tend to lean more toward having a positive attitude even in stressful or difficult situations.  I do realize, however, that it is quite difficult to stay positive and I even struggle with it sometimes.  Someone asked me the question the other day: "Do you stay positive even in bad situations?"  My response was, "I'm human."  I think some things are bad.  I think sometimes life hands us lemons.  I think sometimes the way things are just flat out stinks!  But I also answered that in spite of these initial thoughts, I cope with negative situations by looking at positives.

For example, I have a dear friend who recently shared concerns about potential health problems.  Rather than get lost in how bad the idea of having major health issues can be, I cracked a joke about it with her.  Granted you can't do that with everyone, but our friendship is such that she knew what I was doing.  Humor is one of my ways to turn a negative into a positive.

Studies have shown people who have a more positive attitude generally recover from surgeries, illnesses, etc more quickly and heal better than those who don't.  How do you tend to view things in your life?  Are you dwelling on how bad things are?  Are you thinking your life couldn't get any worse?  Or are you on the opposite end of the spectrum, thinking how wonderful everything is?

There is no right place to be.  It is different for everyone.  For me, somewhere in the middle, but more toward the positive side of things is the right place.  Reality is that sometimes things are bad, but after that initial reaction, it is time to think about the good things, how to make things better, moments of gratitude, and so on.

Let's say, for example, you have an argument with your spouse/significant other.  What could possibly be positive about that?  Well, for starters, what about being together to even have an argument in the first place?   Many couples are not in that position.  Too much of  a stretch toward positive????  Ok, ok.  Think about how to handle the situation in a positive way.  Is yelling and screaming helping?  Probably not.  A positive step is to get yourself calmed down (yes, that means never mind what they are doing - at least for right now).  Now what? Do you need to walk away for a moment? Do you need to listen a little more? Do you need to say something with a bit more clarity?  Thinking about these things and responding appropriately are all positive steps.

Keep in mind you don't have to do it all at one time, you don't even have to get it right.  Working in the direction of a more positive lifestyle is a good step.

What things do you do to stay positive?

TaDa! Lists

A while back, I was looking on Pinterest and came across the idea of a TaDa! List.  How fabulous is this???  I don't know where the idea originated from, but the general idea is to have a list of things accomplished and at the end of a task or the day, you can look at the list and say "TaDa! Look what I accomplished!"  I love this idea, because we need to give ourselves more credit for what we have accomplished.  Even if the ideas seem small and insignificant, they can really add up to a big "TaDa" moment for us.

Consider this: you are depressed and it is a struggle just to get a shower every day.  How awesome is it to reflect back on a day when you not only got a shower, but also got dressed and made it to the grocery store!       Even if depression isn't an issue for you, these tasks might be a big accomplishment.  Focusing on the good things that we have done leaves little room to dwell on the things we haven't done.  It also allows you to start thinking of positives in your life.

Too often, we notice what we fail at, don't do well, etc.  Do we really need help with this?  The world throws that at us enough, we really could leave ourselves alone!

A twist on this, that may particularly work with children, is to make a TaDa! List of others; notice things they are doing.  What have they done well?  What have they accomplished?  Present it to them at the end of the day or week to let them know you've been watching them and noticed the good job they did.  (Employers take note:) This is a great way to motivate people to do well at whatever task they have been assigned.

So I challenge you today; observe the things you actually accomplished or those that another did well and actually write it on a sheet of paper.

How would you use this technique?

Difficult People

Lately I have been exposed to dealing with some difficult people...you know, people who just seem to make your life harder than it has to be.  How about you?  Do you have times when you are faced with hard-to-get-along with people?  How do we deal with those people?

Well, I guess this question is best answered by considering exactly who these people are.  Dealing with your teenager vs. your boss, for example, would be handled differently.  Even so, there are some common "rules" to managing difficult people.

First of all, keep your cool.  It does us no good if we are emotional, screaming, or anything like that.  You lose credibility if you "lose it."  Even if it means we have to walk away from the situation for a moment (or maybe several moments), then do so.  It is much better to get collected and have a clear head to deal with the problem than it is to risk emotional reacting.

It is also a good idea to have a healthy strategy to handle the situation.  If your teenager won't do his chores, yelling at him is not likely to get the chores done.  A better strategy may be to take things away; or maybe talk about your expectations.  There are many options to develop a good strategy, so be creative, but overall make sure the strategy is one that applies to the situation.

Sometimes it helps to have a list of the points you want to make.  If you are trying to talk to the person about the issue (which, I do encourage at some point!), you need to know what is bothering you, what you want to say about it, as well as a few solutions.  This limits those emotional displays that tend to go nowhere.

Along with this point, talk to the person!  Nothing is going to get resolved if we stuff our feelings and thoughts.  Whether it is hurt feelings, anger, or distaste toward the person and/or situation, using "I statements" and sharing these concerns is a good strategy in order to move past the problem.

Remember, that when dealing with a difficult person, they have their opinions and attitudes as well, so they may not share an interest in using these same ideas.  However, even if they don't, we are still responsible for our own actions and thoughts, so do the healthy thing regardless of what the other person is doing.

What strategies do you use when dealing with others?

An Attitude of Gratitude

Learning to be thankful can be quite a challenge sometimes.  Particularly when things seem to be going wrong.  Sometimes we find it difficult to focus on the good things in life and choose the negatives (choose is the important word there).  How much different would our day be, even our lives, if we just learned to be gracious of everyday things in life?  I tell my patients that if the best thing you can say about your day is you are still breathing, you have a good starting place.  Think about how many people are no longer breathing on this day.

I suggest to people to start and end your day listing at least 5 good/positive things about the day.  When you do that, you start to look for good things during the day.  I challenge you to try it, starting today.

My 5 things for today are:

1. I woke up this morning.
2. I played with my children as they invented a new game.
3. I visited with friends.
4. My husband got home early.
5. I made my favorite meal for dinner.

They don't have to bee difficult things.  Just look around you and consider things you may not have previously noticed.  It may be a bit challenging at first to think about good things (we are so accustomed to negatives), but stick with it and it gets easier.

What are you grateful for today?

Practicing Self Care

As we go through our day, we may see, hear, and/or do things that take a toll on us both physically and mentally.  Most of us need to be at our best each day in order to do our work, take care of those around us, and whatever else comes our way.  In order to be our best, we have to recharge our batteries; that is taking care of ourselves.


So just how exactly do we take care of ourselves?  Start by asking yourself some questions.

1. Do you enjoy going to work?
2. Do you feel you can handle your work load?
3. Do you have some free time during your day?
4. How are your personal relationships?
5. How tired are you when you come home?
6. Do you enjoy being around your friends/family?

How did you answer these?  Positively?  Negatively?  Was it difficult to answer them?  If the answers you gave aren't desirable, chances are you are not taking care of your own needs as well as you should.  If you take care of others in your life (children, spouse, patients, parents, etc) you already know how to use care skills.  You just need to use them on yourself!

We need to first of all recognize that we need to care for ourselves.  Then use some of those skills we already know: eat well, exercise, get plenty of rest.  But let's consider possibilities outside of those "traditional" suggestions.  A few weeks ago, I found myself overworked, overwhelmed, and just plain tired.  I finally realized I wasn't the only one suffering from it...my family was taking it too.  So, I made myself get up off the couch, got my children up, and we went to a nearby park to play in the water.  And I played too.  I can't tell you how much fun that was - no email, no phone, just the laughter of my children and knowing that it was time well spent.  

We need to take time to enjoy our days.  Go to lunch with co-workers (that means do not sit in front of your desk, eating while you work); take a mini vacation.  A favorite therapy technique as well as my own personal coping skill is humor.  I incorporate humor into my office, my computer, my phone, anywhere I can.  I have comics posted on my wall, quirky sayings tacked up, anything to remind me that life is too short not to laugh. 

How about you?  What are some of your favored techniques/skills for taking care of yourself?